Official Freak-out Day

August 10th. It is exactly a month until I leave for my semester abroad. Exactly a month before I move to a foreign country to live there for four months by myself and attend a school where I know no one. I had previously told myself that it was too early for me to start freaking out or worrying about the little things, so, being the planner I am, I designated an “official freak-out day.” Basically, a day where an appropriate amount of time is left before I leave to start freaking out and have it not be considered too premature. So, today is my official freak-out day. I think a month is an appropriate amount of time, since my preparations are becoming finalized and I am starting to buy things that I need to pack.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am a huge perfectionist, worry-wart, and planner, who likes everything to be under control and go according to plan. What a perfect thing for someone like me to do then, study abroad in a foreign country where uncertainty, unfamiliarity, and on-the-fly are the very definition of what I will experience. Naturally, I am starting to go crazy with worry and fear that I will be unprepared. Part of me realizes that I can’t really prepare for something like this and I need to just deal with the fact that things won’t go the way I plan. But nearly 21 years of being like this makes it difficult to just surrender. Part of my apprehension might be attributed to the fact that I have never lived away from home for more than a month, and I certainly have never been on my own so much as to not be familiar with anyone around me. Not only am I living on my own for the first time ever, I am doing it in a foreign country! I can’t come home on the weekends, I won’t have the constant contact with my family that I have now, I’ll have to do my own grocery shopping and laundry and (god-forbid) cooking. The decisions I make will be strictly my own and I will be held even more accountable for my actions than before. Decisions like: where I travel, who I go out with, when I go out, how often I spend studying versus seeing the sights. With no input from those who know me best, and no other outside perspective, I will need to have even more of a level head. Phew! No pressure!

Sometimes I wonder why I did this to myself, put myself in a situation where everything is so unfamiliar, when I know that it will drive me crazy. The only answer I can offer myself is that it isn’t me putting myself in this situation. It is God. Obviously on my own I would never have considered taking such a leap. It must be for a reason that I am doing something so uncharacteristic of myself. Without God using his amazing power to have me act contrary to what I normally would, the notion of studying abroad would still only be a good idea in theory and not a reality. The proof that this decision was not my own can be seen in the reaction I am having to it. I am currently feeling an extreme contrast of emotions that I didn’t even know were possible to experience simultaneously. I can’t wait yet I am scared out of my mind. I am having second thoughts, but I don’t regret my decision. I can’t sit still with anticipation, yet it is hard not to cry and cower in fear and worry. I am willing to trust in God that everything will work out, but I also want to be in control and have everything to be perfect.

A week ago I decided to surrender this area of my life to God, knowing that I will not be perfect at it at first and realizing that it will be far from easy. After I surrendered, I expected to feel a weight lift itself from my chest and be at peace immediately after, however, once again God has shown me that it is not about what I expect, since things haven’t been any easier this past week. But I am prepared for the struggles ahead of me and I know that this trip is something that I need to do. Even though it will be difficult and uncomfortable, and scary, I need to learn to trust God. I need to take this opportunity to become more independent and gain even more confidence. I know that even thought it is a scary prospect to be on my own in a foreign country, it is something I need to do and it will be good for me. I know that I will come out of this experience as an even stronger person than before. I know that this experience is something that I need to do in order to become a more successful adult and more self-assured person. I am scared senseless, but ready for the adventure to begin.

Bring it on!